I’ve talked about change many times before, the fact that change is happening all around us, within us and that change is the only constant in life.
It’s something I used to be very resistant to. Change was (and still can be) scary. It’s unpredictable. It reminds me of how little I have control over and at times, how much I don’t know.
But a few months ago, I started wishing for change. Big change. More than wanting and needing it, I have absolutely been craving change from way down deep.
It had been building for a while but seemed to really come to the surface this summer. I felt stuck, like my feet were sinking in deep mud.
I felt so good about starting this blog and all the learning and sharing I’ve done here but it also started to feel like no one cared anymore. Comments had slowed to a trickle until they stopped completely. It felt like no one was reading anymore and I have to admit, it really got to me.
As much as I love to write here, as my husband eloquently put it, no one wants to play to an empty house. My ego was hurt. I am still human. So should I pack it in and just forget about the blog? Chalk it up as once more failure? I decided to just let it sit awhile.
It was a rough summer with Lou. I have not talked about this here before but we finally went to see a sleep specialist to tell us how to get this kid to go to bed – and sleep! Because as anyone who has even struggled with insomnia can tell you, constant lack of sleep can effect you in so many not cool ways; headaches, confusion, irritability, being highly emotional, etc. Sleep is too important, for all of us but especially for someone little who is still growing.
At home, it was all about work, career, finances and goals. Many ups and downs, lots of soul searching and guilt. After being home this long, what do I do? What can I do? What marketable skills do I have that I can use to compete for a kick-ass, high paying job? BUT….still be able to avoid paying for full time daycare because do you know how much full time daycare costs? And I have trust issues with that anyway…..
When the frustration and fear and sadness started closing in, I decided to take a different approach. Trying to force an answer out of myself and getting freaked out wasn’t helping so I decided to just, be open to change.
To declare a real and solid intention – “I am open to big change” without fear or apprehension.
And like everyone else, I don’t want to be miserable so I am also thinking about what I enjoying doing, what gifts do I have to give and where I see myself in the future.
Slowly, things have been happening. Not a huge shift but…things.
I have always loved to read and always loved to write. I know this is a deep down passion that is true to who I am. When I was about 20 years old, I had an idea for a story I wanted to write about a haunted bed and breakfast but at the time, I just couldn’t get it out. I wrote a few first chapters and then put it to bed. For 20 years. After digging out the old notes and drafts I had (yes, I keep everything that long when it comes to writing), I began again.
And it’s happening. Somehow, this thing the happening. The words are coming, characters were born and the plot is unfolding.
It feels amazing and wonderful and scary and like, what am I even going to do with this but I am running with it. It feels too right.
In my past working life, I did web design. Even started my own freelance biz, working with individuals and small businesses. After being ripped off multiple times, frustrated over lack of clients and a handful of horrible 9-5 experiences, I swore the whole thing off. I loved it but it was terrible so maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Never, ever again.
Then about a month ago, a friend of a friend wanted to hire me to do a redesign. I took it. And over the weeks of working on the project, all the joy rushed back in to me I had lost for this kind of work.
Lou just started back to preschool this week. He is going 5 days this year which means I now have a solid schedule of time to myself again in the mornings. I’ve wanted this change so badly for so long and now I feel hurried and panicked like there is so much I want to do in the few hours each day and I need to make the best use of the time I have so which way do I go now?
As usual, I do not have all the answers. I am still a padawan.
But I am staying open to the changes as they come. Trying to be calm and have faith that paths are unfolding I may not even be able to see yet. Things are happening in a positive way, perhaps even some not yet revealed.
Deep Breath.
I am open to change, moving through me, around me, bringing love, abundance and positivity into my life.
